I have written, deleted, re-written and deleted again this post so many times in the last weeks, I've lost count. See, I've been wanting to share something that is going on in my life and I don't really know how to adress it... So I'm just going to come out with it, ok?
A few months ago, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disease (edit: I wasn't ready to say it then, but it's depression). I had felt it for a while and pushed it under the carpet for too long, burying mysel in work. But then I started having destructive behaviours and very dark thoughts, which I didn't really understand. It scared me to bits and that's when I knew I had to seek help.
So after much denial, I finally went to my doctor and broke out in tears. We talked for a long time and then he told me the diagnosis. Since, I've started seeing a therapist and I'm so glad I am; not only is it très Woody Allen, but it's so great to share thoughts with an objective person. It's been doing me a lot of good and for that I am thankful. So far I have learned that being a workaholic is not necessarily a good thing, that being sensitive is not necessarily a bad thing, and that stress is like an onion, made of many many layers. I have slowed down my everyday life and am learning the art of relaxing.
I wanted to talk about it with you because keeping it a secret hasn't been much help at all. Pretending takes a lot of energy. I can't lie, at first there was a lot of darkness, depression, self doubt and loathing. It was not pretty and I felt like I was going crazy. But now, I can see the light. Not only am starting to feel better, but I can see how this challenge is going to bring so much positive in my life.
I also wanted to share because mental illness can be associated with many prejudices and when you suffer from it, it can seem so hopeless. Maybe you suffer from it too. Maybe someone around you does and you are not sure what to do. I'll tell you, nothing feels better than having the support of loved ones and counting on a listening ear and an open heart. I think this is something that a lot of us might face in our lifetime and that together, we can support each other and make each other stronger.
Now that I have told you, I feel a bit naked. But I also feel like being myself can be challenging at times and that right now, this is a part of the person I am. It won't be forever, and it will make me better. Of that I am sure.
You have always been there for me through this blog and I want to thank you so much for that! I appreciate your support more than you will ever know and I am grateful for your understanding. You are part of the things that fill my life with happiness. Thanks for listening.
Virginie
Virginie,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing this with us. I LOVE when bloggers can present their vulnerabilities and "human" side. It makes the blog and person so much more relateable. We all have things about ourselves that need work or are not "perfect". I am SO GLAD that you sought out help. It is so important. Had you not shared this, we would have never known. You are so gorgeous and your photos are flawless and you are a successful woman in your career and that is all we would've known. Which is fine. But it is posts like this that could actually HELP SOMEONE that is in the same boat. And that is where it is truly IMPORTANT. You are very brave and I wish you the best in your quest. Thanks again.
Thank you so much Fannie! Your suport means more than I can express. I think there could be a lot of loneliness in mental illness and so I wanted to share so that, has you say, maybe I can help someone feel better about it.
DeleteLife is made of many challenges and even in my problems, I m always thankful that they are not bigger or worst. There is always a positive outlook on everything ;)
I'm glad to have you as a reader,
Virginie xo
Good for you for getting the help that you need even though you were scared. I feel like a lot of people don't because there's a stigma attributed to it. Both my younger brother's have a lot of anxiety, especially the youngest one. He takes medication to help him concentrate and for his anxiety. Luckily, some days I drive him home from school (we both go to the same college and it's a 45-minute drive), and I think it's good for him that I just let him talk about what's worrying him and be there to listen. So I'm glad you have a therapist who is there to let you unload. Sometimes we all need that.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with everything! I know you'll get through this!
:)
~Sara
Your brother is lucky to have you to count on, I'm sure it makes such a huge difference for him!
DeleteI got lucky with my therapist, she is a good fit for me. It can be scary to open yourself to a stranger but so far I see the positive that comes from it so I am happy :)
Thank you for being so sweet and supportive, it means the world to me!
Virginie xo
I think it is so brave of you to pour your heart out to us. I understand how scared you have been and how hard it is and has been. I've dealt with depression for many years (im out of it now) but anxiety joined the ride as well, so I understand. And I am glad you like the help you are getting, it's important you feel comfortable with the person you talk to. And I am sure you will feel better again and beat it. You seem like such a strong person :)
ReplyDeleteLoads of e-love and e-hugs (oh god how lame haha but you get the picture)
Awe, thank you Sephira for the e-love! I'm so glad the blog let us connect, it makes me stronger :)
DeleteThank you for your support and sharing with me about your own struggle, I'm so glad for you that you are out of it. These illnesses can be tricky but we can beat it!
Thank you for taking the time to be kind and supportive, it is SO appreciated.
Virginie xo
I have been there before and I hope that you keep going to counseling and talking about your problems. It's one of the best ways to get through something like this. Persevere and good luck!
ReplyDeleteThank you dear! I got lucky with my therapist and things are going well, I feel like there are still challenging times ahead but I am on the good road :)
DeleteVirginie xo
I went through severe depression this year as well and have suffered from anxiety for several so I know just how isolating that can be. For me, sharing with the people I trust, as well as composing my way through my feelings on my blog helped very much... It takes time to feel like yourself again and it is a struggle but you will get there. They say the most creative minds, artists, geniuses, writers and the like suffer from mental illness.. I'm sorry to know you were going through this and were in denial and afraid of it for some time. You shouldn't ever feel the need to be anyone but yourself on your blog and it's much too trying to pretend that life is perfect and grand all the time. I'm so proud of you for finally coming out with it and I hope it makes you feel better. I'm sure lots of people will say this now that they know and I don't pity you or seek to give unsolicited advice but seeing as I consider you a friend, you can always talk to me about anything and I will understand. ♥
ReplyDeleteI consider you a friend too Taylor and have been inspired by you and your blog through this difficult time. I feel like although my blog still is who I am and I never post anything fake, I had to fake a lot in real life especially work wise so now that it's out in the open, I feel free a bit. It's like some people I work with will have read it here and will know why I am taking things slower for a while.
DeleteRight now I am resting a lot and that, combined with the support I have from my friends and therapist, is already doing wonders.
Thank you SO much kind friend for taking the time to write me a supportive and real message. It does me more good than I can express :)
Virginie xo
This is really brave of you to share. Good for you! I wish you all the best while you're dealing with this struggle!
ReplyDeleteThank you Jessica! Your support makes a bit difference and is very appreciated :)
DeleteVirginie xo
way to share! thanks so much! I appreciate your words!
ReplyDeleteHattitude Style Blog
ReplyDeletegood for you for posting this virginie! there is such stigmatism associated with mental illness, and people need to get off their high horse and realize that so many people have some sort of mental illness. it's so common. we need to stop putting this stigmatism on it.
thanks for being brave enough to share with us!
talk soon wild child
-Hattie
Hattitude Style Blog
That is SO true Hattie! A lot of people suffer from it at one time or another in life and all the stereotypes about seeing a therapist or being on medication does nothing positive to help anyone.
DeleteI knew I could count on you to be all cool and positive about it :)
Thanks for taking the time to be such a kind friend, cheers me up for sure!
Virginie xo
Dearest Virginie, I'd like to thank you for this post. Personal posts are always the most interesting but they can be scary to write, I know I don't write them (often). I may not know you but through your blog I feel I have come to know you in a way and I consider you a blog friend. I love your passion for films and for life in general. Because of you (and a few other bloggers) I took a Canadian literature course last semester - it was a lot of fun and has made me love Canada even more. Anyways, just wanted to show some support and let you know you have a friend in Prague should you ever need one :) As always, wishing you the best! Veronika
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Veronika for your kind words! It means a lot to me :)
DeleteI'm glad that through this blog I have been able to inspire you to learn more about Canadian literature. As a Master of Literature myself, I am glad to share the passion! And I'm happy that through this challenge, my passion for filmmaking has remained, I only have to find a healthier way for me to produce and still have time for the other wonderful things life has to offer!
I'm glad to have you as a blog friend :)
Virginie xo
I think it takes a lot of courage to admit something is wrong and you were so brave to look for help. I'm sure everything will be good for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing :)
So sorry you've been going through a rough patch, but glad you felt you could open up here. As someone who has battled with anxiety all my life, I completely understand what you're feeling. Talking about it and being honest helps so much more than anything else because one you've got a network of people who understand, you don't feel so crazy anymore. :) My anxiety has manifested itself in many forms over the years -- anxiety about school, anxiety about relationships, anxiety about health, anxiety about money, and most recently anxiety about work. Over time, I've been able to break away from medications and stop panicking so much. I can finally recognize what's happening and I have a list of things to do that I know will make me feel better (writing, running, planning a trip, crossword puzzles -- those are just a few things that work for me). The best part is, I know any time I feel down that eventually I'll feel better again. Sometimes it takes weeks or months, but I appreciate the worry-free phases in my life so much more when I do snap out of the anxiety-ridden ones. I'm glad things are turning around for you, and I completely agree that eventually, so much more positive than negative will come from what you're experiencing. Keep your head up -- you're destined for great things. =) Can't wait to keep hearing about your film!
ReplyDelete~Lisa
Thank you SO much Lisa for this honest message! I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this and that other strong and inspiring people have been through this and conquered. Feeling crazy is the worst part for me and talking about it with people that have been through it helps SO much.
DeleteThe therapy and medication helps a lot too and I have been doing little things that make me feel good, like riding my bike and taking long baths. I feel like this challenge will make me a better person :)
I'm so lucky to have had you as a blog friend since the very beginning!
Virginie xo
Thank you so much for sharing your story - it was so incredibly brave of you! I know you've inspired many others who might be feeling the same way to seek help. I wish you all the best and look forward to hearing more about your film!
ReplyDeleteKate
Thank you Kate! This is a challenging time but luckily, things are going really great with the film :)
DeleteCan't wait to share more!
Virginie xo
I love you and I know that what makes YOU a better person, will make US better too.
ReplyDeleteI love toi learn from you. You are source of wisdom, event in the greatest challenges.
xox
Merci mon amie, je t'aime xo
DeleteI so agree with you Brooke that women put so much pressure on themselves, on the work place and in personal life as well sometimes. Producing is a such a workaholic job and trying to fit starting a family in there has been very stressful so I have to find a new balance and review my priorities.
ReplyDeleteThis does nothing to affect my passion for filmmaking though! I'm glad to have you that understands the stresses of this wonderful and challenging industry.
Thank you for sharing your own struggle with me :)
Virginie xi
Wow I am so inspired with your honesty!!! That is going to help A LOT of people! You should try acupuncture. I treat a lot of patients with anxiety issues and they all respond really well to treatments. Let me know if there is anything that I can do! Big hugs!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid each and every one of us has their vulerable side...but very, very few are those who are brave enough to show it...I'm pretty sure things'll get better, artistic people always go through some insecurities and difficulties- it's natural...You're awesome, and you'll make it :)
ReplyDeleteHugs from Bulgaria! :)
hey Virginie, i've been doing some catching up here today and every outfit, location, news update and glimpse of you have been all kinds of amazing to see and read. i got here and stopped short with a heartfelt sigh of familiarity. for one thing, you are incredibly courageous to face yourself like this, so many people bury these types of notions until they take complete control over your very being. also you are a source of great insp for bravely writing about what you're going through. they say that "you think you're keeping the secret when in fact...the secret's keeping you". i feel like that should have an addition of "from everything good and important in your life".
ReplyDeleteafter many years of my own counseling sessions i can tell you that recognition is HUGE and the 1st step to profound change/healing and re-birth in self. many blessings to you beautiful girl, i wish you nothing but goodness. xo ♥
I just happened across your blog for the first time today. So you are a stranger. But as a former sufferer of an anxiety disorder, I want to say thank you. Girl, it's not awesome to have to deal with mental illness, but it's awesome that you are willing to talk about it.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was first diagnosed (with a cluster of mental illnesses) as a young teen, I'd barely even heard of these disorders before. :P And I'd totally thought I must be doing something wrong, and that it was my fault. (It's not, of course, however I do think that facing mental illness with a willingness to become more self-aware and self-loving, can transform a person's life positively. I had been one for ignoring my intuition, and stuffing my feelings, but that has improved a lot through this journey.)
So thank you. I know that it's okay to keep some things private, and not everyone must share about this sort of thing. But when it seems right, one really can help dispel stigma, and offer hope and understanding to other sufferers, as you are. And there certainly is hope.
With anxiety specifically, physiological treatment helped me the most. It allowed me to feel well enough to start counselling. :P Apparently my body wasn't producing enough progesterone. So when I was able to supplement it, in the form of bioidentical progesterone, I relaxed immediately. I could answer the phone like a normal person (my anxiety was so bad the ringing would scare me haha), I could go out places, and I could finally sleep. :)
There are different approaches that work for different people, and for some it may be correction of anemia, for example. But what remains true across the board, is that once whatever is out of balance, comes back into balance, health results and symptoms disappear.
So, Virginie, an anxiety disorder does not have to be a permanent deal. I hope yours will teach you much, but ultimately leave you alone. :P
Warmest Wishes,
Kait