I have written, deleted, re-written and deleted again this post so many times in the last weeks, I've lost count. See, I've been wanting to share something that is going on in my life and I don't really know how to adress it... So I'm just going to come out with it, ok?
A few months ago, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disease (edit: I wasn't ready to say it then, but it's depression). I had felt it for a while and pushed it under the carpet for too long, burying mysel in work. But then I started having destructive behaviours and very dark thoughts, which I didn't really understand. It scared me to bits and that's when I knew I had to seek help.
So after much denial, I finally went to my doctor and broke out in tears. We talked for a long time and then he told me the diagnosis. Since, I've started seeing a therapist and I'm so glad I am; not only is it très Woody Allen, but it's so great to share thoughts with an objective person. It's been doing me a lot of good and for that I am thankful. So far I have learned that being a workaholic is not necessarily a good thing, that being sensitive is not necessarily a bad thing, and that stress is like an onion, made of many many layers. I have slowed down my everyday life and am learning the art of relaxing.
I wanted to talk about it with you because keeping it a secret hasn't been much help at all. Pretending takes a lot of energy. I can't lie, at first there was a lot of darkness, depression, self doubt and loathing. It was not pretty and I felt like I was going crazy. But now, I can see the light. Not only am starting to feel better, but I can see how this challenge is going to bring so much positive in my life.
I also wanted to share because mental illness can be associated with many prejudices and when you suffer from it, it can seem so hopeless. Maybe you suffer from it too. Maybe someone around you does and you are not sure what to do. I'll tell you, nothing feels better than having the support of loved ones and counting on a listening ear and an open heart. I think this is something that a lot of us might face in our lifetime and that together, we can support each other and make each other stronger.
Now that I have told you, I feel a bit naked. But I also feel like being myself can be challenging at times and that right now, this is a part of the person I am. It won't be forever, and it will make me better. Of that I am sure.
You have always been there for me through this blog and I want to thank you so much for that! I appreciate your support more than you will ever know and I am grateful for your understanding. You are part of the things that fill my life with happiness. Thanks for listening.